The intersection of equilibrium and self-esteem may be a convergence of nature AND nurture: how we are "wired" (e.g., temperament, Autonomic Nervous System, universal emotions, unconscious brain and body processes) AND the ways we learned how relationships work (i.e., how we learned to be in relationship). In short, to be safe we had to be “perfect” -- not cause anxiety or uncomfortable feelings for our primary caregiver(s). But, it is this false sense of “perfection” that we later confuse to be our true equilibrium state.
How did that happen? Consider the physical ways we unconsciously maintain equilibrium. We breathe to maintain the right amount of oxygen and carbon dioxide levels in our blood stream. Our hearts beat in such a way as to ensure our brain, organs, muscles, and extremities are all nourished with this blood as much as they need. We have automatic temperature control that keeps us at 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. When we are too cold we sneeze or chill to warm us up, and when we are too hot we sweat or chill to cool down. When we need food or water or sleep, our bodies tell us.
Now imagine an infant whose physical and emotional survival depends on her primary caregiver. That relationship literally becomes as important as air or food or water. If that relationship is threatened, then the child's very life is in jeopardy. It is in this context the child determines she has to be "perfect" to preserve this relationship, and this becomes the basis for all relationships. In this way, she unconsciously continues to ensure her "life" by enacting these early relational rules to some extent throughout her lifespan, even when literal survival no longer depends on preservation of any relationship. We unconsciously do this, just as our bodies maintain oxygen levels or body temperature throughout our lives.
“True” equilibrium then, instead of being dependent on the perceptions of an outside other, is rather based on an intrinsic sense of personal dignity and self-worth, a felt sense of internal and external wholeness that balances internal and external realities. It is rooted in valuing the simple fact of existence and therefore valuing everyone equally. In theory, if we functioned only from a “true” sense of self, we may never respond with shame reactions though we may feel shame or any other uncomfortable emotion. But, we don't function that way. In fact, we are wired to unconsciously detect danger and react. It is how we work with that reaction that determines the extent of our suffering.
How did that happen? Consider the physical ways we unconsciously maintain equilibrium. We breathe to maintain the right amount of oxygen and carbon dioxide levels in our blood stream. Our hearts beat in such a way as to ensure our brain, organs, muscles, and extremities are all nourished with this blood as much as they need. We have automatic temperature control that keeps us at 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. When we are too cold we sneeze or chill to warm us up, and when we are too hot we sweat or chill to cool down. When we need food or water or sleep, our bodies tell us.
Now imagine an infant whose physical and emotional survival depends on her primary caregiver. That relationship literally becomes as important as air or food or water. If that relationship is threatened, then the child's very life is in jeopardy. It is in this context the child determines she has to be "perfect" to preserve this relationship, and this becomes the basis for all relationships. In this way, she unconsciously continues to ensure her "life" by enacting these early relational rules to some extent throughout her lifespan, even when literal survival no longer depends on preservation of any relationship. We unconsciously do this, just as our bodies maintain oxygen levels or body temperature throughout our lives.
“True” equilibrium then, instead of being dependent on the perceptions of an outside other, is rather based on an intrinsic sense of personal dignity and self-worth, a felt sense of internal and external wholeness that balances internal and external realities. It is rooted in valuing the simple fact of existence and therefore valuing everyone equally. In theory, if we functioned only from a “true” sense of self, we may never respond with shame reactions though we may feel shame or any other uncomfortable emotion. But, we don't function that way. In fact, we are wired to unconsciously detect danger and react. It is how we work with that reaction that determines the extent of our suffering.
The meaning of “perfection” may lie on a continuum ranging from not upsetting anyone, to dominion and purity, to absolute control. Anything associated with perfection in our minds means life and worthiness, and anything counter, like disrespect, subservience, incompetence, contamination, or weakness, means imperfection and death.
When we react, we are doing so because something in our internal or external environment is perceived as dangerous and has pushed us beyond that tolerable range of “perfection” equilibrium (e.g., when someone "puts us down" or "disrespects" us). And, so we “flip” it to get ourselves to what we think is the surface, though it is a false one. It’s like we are all constantly playing the game King of the Mountain, but not only where the opponents are us and another person (attack other), but also us and ourselves (attack self, withdrawal, avoidance). There is a pressure or urge to “flip”, like a ball on a hill that “must” roll down to rest on the flat ground. Or, a metal spring that, once compressed, “has to” expand. Or, the flow of electricity across a battery. Or, a kickboard that is pushed under the water that “must” pop back up to the surface. We do this in big ways and small, all the time. We treat others and ourselves as objects to do this. It is ubiquitous in our worlds, especially in a society that places such emphasis on winning, status, strength, beauty, etc.
When we react, we are doing so because something in our internal or external environment is perceived as dangerous and has pushed us beyond that tolerable range of “perfection” equilibrium (e.g., when someone "puts us down" or "disrespects" us). And, so we “flip” it to get ourselves to what we think is the surface, though it is a false one. It’s like we are all constantly playing the game King of the Mountain, but not only where the opponents are us and another person (attack other), but also us and ourselves (attack self, withdrawal, avoidance). There is a pressure or urge to “flip”, like a ball on a hill that “must” roll down to rest on the flat ground. Or, a metal spring that, once compressed, “has to” expand. Or, the flow of electricity across a battery. Or, a kickboard that is pushed under the water that “must” pop back up to the surface. We do this in big ways and small, all the time. We treat others and ourselves as objects to do this. It is ubiquitous in our worlds, especially in a society that places such emphasis on winning, status, strength, beauty, etc.
I think a helpful visual of "flipping" is the kick board in a pool:
In future posts I will expound on the various elements in this picture.
