"Perfection" as Equilibrium

The intersection of equilibrium and self-esteem may be a convergence of nature AND nurture: how we are "wired" (e.g., temperament, Autonomic Nervous System, universal emotions, unconscious brain and body processes) AND the ways we learned how relationships work (i.e., how we learned to be in relationship). In short, to be safe we had to be “perfect” -- not cause anxiety or uncomfortable feelings for our primary caregiver(s). But, it is this false sense of “perfection” that we later confuse to be our true equilibrium state.

How did that happen? Consider the physical ways we unconsciously maintain equilibrium. We breathe to maintain the right amount of oxygen and carbon dioxide levels in our blood stream. Our hearts beat in such a way as to ensure our brain, organs, muscles, and extremities are all nourished with this blood as much as they need. We have automatic temperature control that keeps us at 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. When we are too cold we sneeze or chill to warm us up, and when we are too hot we sweat or chill to cool down. When we need food or water or sleep, our bodies tell us.

Now imagine an infant whose physical and emotional survival depends on her primary caregiver. That relationship literally becomes as important as air or food or water. If that relationship is threatened, then the child's very life is in jeopardy. It is in this context the child determines she has to be "perfect" to preserve this relationship, and this becomes the basis for all relationships. In this way, she unconsciously continues to ensure her "life" by enacting these early relational rules to some extent throughout her lifespan, even when literal survival no longer depends on preservation of any relationship. We unconsciously do this, just as our bodies maintain oxygen levels or body temperature throughout our lives.

“True” equilibrium then, instead of being dependent on the perceptions of an outside other, is rather based on an intrinsic sense of personal dignity and self-worth, a felt sense of internal and external wholeness that balances internal and external realities. It is rooted in valuing the simple fact of existence and therefore valuing everyone equally. In theory, if we functioned only from a “true” sense of self, we may never respond with shame reactions though we may feel shame or any other uncomfortable emotion. But, we don't function that way. In fact, we are wired to unconsciously detect danger and react. It is how we work with that reaction that determines the extent of our suffering.

The meaning of “perfection” may lie on a continuum ranging from not upsetting anyone, to dominion and purity, to absolute control. Anything associated with perfection in our minds means life and worthiness, and anything counter, like disrespect, subservience, incompetence, contamination, or weakness, means imperfection and death. 

When we react, we are doing so because something in our internal or external environment is perceived as dangerous and has pushed us beyond that tolerable range of “perfection” equilibrium (e.g., when someone "puts us down" or "disrespects" us). And, so we “flip” it to get ourselves to what we think is the surface, though it is a false one. It’s like we are all constantly playing the game King of the Mountain, but not only where the opponents are us and another person (attack other), but also us and ourselves (attack self, withdrawal, avoidance). There is a pressure or urge to “flip”, like a ball on a hill that “must” roll down to rest on the flat ground. Or, a metal spring that, once compressed, “has to” expand. Or, the flow of electricity across a battery. Or, a kickboard that is pushed under the water that “must” pop back up to the surface. We do this in big ways and small, all the time. We treat others and ourselves as objects to do this. It is ubiquitous in our worlds, especially in a society that places such emphasis on winning, status, strength, beauty, etc.

I think a helpful visual of "flipping" is the kick board in a pool:

In future posts I will expound on the various elements in this picture.

Voting for Trump and Obama

There is no difference between Barack Obama and Donald Trump. To be more precise: there is no difference between our motivations for voting for Obama in 2008 and for Trump now.

It’s 2008. The Great Recession. Global financial system teetering. Al Qaeda. Wars. Katrina. Unemployment. Fear. Chronic struggle and feeling of mediocrity. A palpable sentiment that we need someone who can save us from the abyss -- we need Abraham Lincoln. Enter Barack Obama. “Save us!” we cry. “Use your Harvard Law degree and experience as a successful law partner to work your magic. Use your amazingly articulate and resonant oratory skills to inspire us like Martin Luther King, Jr. Use your superior intelligence to solve our problems. What? You’re also African American? We can realize MLK’s dream and the promise of America and our individual potential by voting for the first African American president? Perfect!”

Barack Obama was idealized in many ways, and when we identified with him we unconsciously idealized ourselves. Barack Obama won largely because of our self-worth.

Flash forward to today. Aftermath of the Great Recession. Zero accountability for credit crisis. 1% get richer. ISIS. Islamophobia. Fear. Congress clearly stuck and cannot work. A palpable helplessness to change the corrupt and broken systems. Struggle and mediocrity? Still there. It’s almost as if we need one of the super-rich on our side to move mountains -- a man of action: Superman. Enter Donald Trump. “Save us!” we cry. “Use your Wharton education and business expertise to negotiate us out of this. Use your apparent power and strength to vanquish, belittle, and fire the people who need to go. Use the language of winners and losers, us and them to simplify the game of leadership and speak truth. Use the absence of ulterior motives resulting from your incredible wealth to remain untouchable and impenetrable from those who would try to corrupt and influence you. Hold on. You’re also white? We can return home if we vote for you? Perfect!”

As with Barack Obama, Donald Trump embodies certain ideals. A part of us unconsciously wants to believe the myth and identify with him. Yes, there are policies, issues, and our general discernment that also motivate us on the conscious, rational end of the spectrum, and these conscious/unconscious motives may even conflict. Many factors determine which gets expressed, but often times our unconscious motives win out.

The mechanism driving our actions is the unconscious maintenance of our personal, life-sustaining equilibrium. The problem is that we [the ego minds] unconsciously confuse and conflate preserving our idealized self or sense of “perfection” [ego, or 100% form identity] with preserving safety and equilibrium. We do this largely because of how we learned, from birth, to be in relationship with self and others. 

So, when we experience “imperfection” or diminishment (of ego), our threat-conditioned tendency is to act by what I call “flipping” it, putting down others or ourselves so we, in whole or in part, are “perfect” again and a sense of equilibrium, even though false (i.e., supremacy), is restored temporarily. This process works together with neuro-biological factors (e.g., genes, autonomic nervous system, temperament, etc).

In other words, ego tries to sustain equilibrium. Ego just gets it wrong and confuses everything because it is a product of shame and shame evokes confusion -- it intercedes and creates what it thinks is an equilibrium state as defined by its own survival. Essence lets go and gradually takes ego to zero, thereby uncovering the unconditional equilibrium of natural life processes already present as a result of Earth's perfect proximity to the intense energy of the sun. This is the paradox of the false "perfection equilibrium" because it denies the natural equilibrium that already exists based on our perfect place in the solar system. So, when we are in a reactive state, we can see it as ego trying to get to its "perfection equilibrium" state, we can know the ego's equilibrium state is qualitatively different from that of essence, and we can choose which place we want to go: essence or ego "equilibrium."

The meaning of “perfection” may lie on a continuum ranging from pleasing or not upsetting anyone to dominion and purity to absolute control. Anything associated with perfection in our minds means worth and life -- anything counter, like disrespect, subservience, incompetence, contamination, or weakness, means imperfection and, ultimately, death. Paradoxically, “perfection” may seem human and have a real, concrete quality -- one can see how we could believe this myth. Themes of ascendency, unlimited possibility, freedom, safety, mastery, and independence in the American Dream echo elements of “perfection”. However, the chronic shame of not reaching these supposedly universally achievable goals inevitably leads to “flipping”. Our leaders or potential leaders may even use this connection to their advantage.

Hillary Clinton’s “make America whole again” directly, if unwittingly, speaks to the psychic dynamics here. It is precisely because our sense of self is fragmented that we use and put down others to attain “perfection” and false equilibrium. We do this with others because we learned to do it within ourselves. This is our understanding of what it means to be in relationship. We behave as if we are not one entity, a whole person. We behave as if we are not all inter-connected, a whole community.

“Flipping” happens universally, in small and large ways both subtle and obvious. So, it is an opportunity for compassion for self and others -- those who identify with Trump are operating in the same way as those who identified with Obama. We are all one, individually and collectively, and I hope understanding this will help us to make clearer choices.